Disclaimer: Some of what is in these journals may not be what others want or need to read, but in the grand scheme, I just hope to get our real CDH story out there.
I am beginning the journal entries in June. The 2 months between our diagnosis and the beginning of these entries was pretty much filled with shock, horrid anguish, shame and everyday life with 3 other kids and husband.
6/3/10- Waiting outside Jas's [Jasmin, my troubled 14yr old step-daughter] counseling appointment. Suggested to be on "liberal" bed rest b/c of my blood pressure but this girl needs to talk to someone and with all we have going on I am afraid to admit we are not the ones to help her at this point. As a matter of fact I feel like some of her acting out, next to her mother's neglect, is rooted in this whole beginning of a nightmare called CDH. Anyway, I am feeling quite lonely.Hector doesn't seem to handle this in the way I do at all. He is just stayin really busy. Which means that he is never around. He doesn't see anything wrong with us and says he is just trying to prepare financially for this birth. I don't see an "us" anymore. We used to be so close. He seems closer to anyone but me. Does he think this is my fault? Historically this would have been the case. A mother would have been seen as the "obvious" cause of anything wrong with her baby.
In addition to this family stuff, I keep trying to figure out who to pray to. Ughh. Never in my life have I questioned faith like today. I keep getting depressed that my prayers are not being answered NOW. Guess as long as baby comes home healthy eventually, our prayers have been answered. But when I read and find out more and more about CDH, I just can't help thinking and feeling the worst. It is making me crazy.Like, what if, what if.What if baby doesn't come home? What if baby has long term disabilities that I can't handle? What if he is so messed up he will not be able to enjoy life? WHY! So with these thoughts comes, major anxiety, hate, hurt, and anger toward everyone around me.
Thank you, thank you GOD for my healthy angel, Isabel. She, at least, brings me the most joy any human could ask for. This situation makes me question, outside of Isabel, everything in life. I am afraid to even speak b/c I feel like anything I even say or believe can be questioned or thrown into a chaotic mess by some wacky power that feels like messing with me. I feel total uncertainty.Please God, whatever and whoever you are, please give my family peace and health and grant me acceptance.
6/14/10- After one to many anxiety attacks and a trip to the ER, I have decide that I have to really chill. No more screaming matches with Jasmin, no more feeling lonely. For the love of God, I have a baby inside of me kicking away and a 6yr old angel who doesn't leave my side. I am the least lonely woman in the world! I am still very scared. Scared. Fear is like over taking my body. I freak when no one is with me that I may go into labor or something else and no one will be there. This is stopping now! As far as Jasmin's sick and selfish attempts for attention during these times, and others in my life who are driving me insane!, I have to keep reminding myself that I can share my love with the world but do not have the ability to change it.
7/1/10-Relaxing! Baby is almost here!!!! Hard b/c I still feel like Hector is separating himself from this but I do understand somewhere inside that he is just coping the best he can. We are so scared yet just so excited. Lord just please see that we do deserve this baby. Well I do. Please one with the highest of power, see that I am a great woman and a great mother and will stop at nothing to protect and cherish my children. I just keep telling myslef that everything is going to be just fine. But I am not certain and I am scared. I am aslo sticking with the "No Baby Stuff" in the house rule.This must mean that I do not have total faith in this situation. I pray everyday for strength and the healthy of my children. What else can I do.
7/7/10-Just read through previous posts. I am a mess! lol. I can't wait to have more good to write about. I keep thinking even after laughing at myself as I look back, how pee-ed off I am that this is happening to us. There is something wrong with this. I have personally had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting or knowing plenty of child bearing women who absolutely did not deserve or for that matter want the children they have and this is happening to me? Crazy.
Hector is thinking that the CDH will miraculously be gone at the baby's birth. Bottom line is that we are not in each others shoes even though one would think we are. I mean, we are going through the same thing technically but we are living two different lives and I am a mother and he is a father and we just think different. I personally feel like no one feels the way I do and that is wrong b/c it marginalizes Hector and his feelings about all this. He is, I am certain, terrified and just as affected by this as I am.
At this point I will stop. The next chapter in this is "Birth."Boy, this is already quite dramatic for me as I write. I am crying and getting mad all over again. And as you CDH mom's know, or any mom knows for that matter, pregnancy is nothing compared to what is to follow.
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