Some Smiles & Welcoming L!

9-15-2010 What a glorious day! After two days more of putting my beautiful son through hell, we now have word that his brain and heart are working pretty good. I have been well trained now, like batman style training, (harsh!), to follow statements like, "brain and heart are working pretty good", with the very specific phrase, "FOR NOW"... Because I officially know now that everything can change in seconds. But I can't help but think, despite my hardening/realist training, that everything is going to be just fine. Days like this bring the spark back into my eyes. I do know that we have a looooooong road ahead but you, my dear boy, smiled today!!! They have all said that you have smiled before. Hard to believe with all the withdrawing and sedation and sickness and poking and pronging, but they say you have (nurses and daddy). I know that today you smiled at me, and you weren't even terribly stoned. Stop now, whomever may read this. Please pause and really think about how awesome and how life altering, one tiny little smile can be. LOOK and STOP, for just a minute and think about someone you love and how awesome being able to see their smile anytime is. To my babies, smile at yourselves...You have made it through hellish circumstances. Smile every second you have here. Back to the present...Demetri, you smiled such big beautiful and meaningful smile at me today. What a sight! You must know (with all intentions that you and your sister will read this someday), that I literally worship you two. You both are my entire being, my desire for being, and under the worst of cases, you are the root of my desire for not wanting to be as I could simply not "be" without you two. Thank you both for smiling, you Isy, every single day simply because you know it makes mommy happy, and Demetri, thank you dear for this first smile, this first smile being your way of preparing me for a long lifetime more to come. I love you both.

Another CDH baby was born tonight. To see things happen from this end was overwhelming to say the least. I saw Sam and other transport nurses and RT running out of the NICU and felt more mumble-jumble than ever before. Happy and joyful-there is a baby being born...Sick-that baby has a CDH....I wanted to break through those labor and delivery doors and hug and squeeze those parents and foresee and withdraw all of the pain that I knew they were about to face. Crap. But that wasn't happening, b/c 1. everyone would assume that I had finally lost it...and 2. I may not be able to visit my SMILING boy anymore. Instead, I will pray, pray and pray some more for that family and their new baby. I will pray that they be granted the strength that we have all been granted.

Speaking of strength, your father Demetri, that big brown thing that apparently has ants in his pants b/c he cannot sit in here for more than ten minutes, but yet he can't sit in the waiting room for more than ten minutes, oh and yet he can't walk around for more than ten minutes because then he starts wondering about you again. Yeah, that guy, he is the biggest, baddest warrior ever. This is part of where you get it from..you are strong like him...Mostly from me though. lol.Your father, no matter how much of a fricken handful he can be, is a true warrior. With that other CDH baby being born tonight, made me think a lot about the night you were born. When I pushed you into this glorious world, I couldn't hear you or feel you but I saw your beauty. Oh God what beauty. Then you were ripped away with great intensity. Horrifying but lovely. Now look at you!!! You are one tough cookie. I love you and your equally as strong sister with all my heart and body and pray that the lord have mercy and allow us a long life together on this earth. You get to go into a crib!!!! For the first time!!! Amen! Can't wait to come back to see you tomorrow.


Update: That CDH baby born on 9/15 and his awesome family turned out to be just as blessed and as strong as Demetri and our family. The two, Demetri and his buddy L, spent months upon months moving about Hopkins together and even slept just feet away from one another in some of their most turbulent weeks in the PICU. Demetri and this CDH pal are today BFF's and are planning their first play date since attending NICU graduation together. And to his mommy, I love you girl, and could not have made it through this year without you.