Just Kidding...

10-4-2010

We'll call this entry "JK" because when the docs told us that Demetri would not need surgery on his heart until he was older due to his little leaky heart, they were JUST KIDDING, because now a week or so later, they are saying in a certain blunt and awkward tone that they "will need to do open heart surgery on Demetri this week." WTH... Now I am tired and frustrated. Just stick a fork in me, cause I am done! I was so sure that this was all about to be behind us and now another surgery. Open-heart surgery! Remember the "talk" that followed our last surgery...The "we don't think he is going to make it" talk... This is horrible!!! Back to square one: another trip and stay in the frickin PICU, possible death, loads of IV poles filled with dangerous meds, another scary, scary scar, days of horror and intubated again. This is the pits. So I guess I should switch my prayer back from "speedy healthy trip home" to "survive another second." I am allowed to say at this point that I am exhausted and so frickin mad at CDH and ASD and everything that I just wanna run as fast and as far as I can from it all. No family should have to go through this. The baby is suffering, the kids are all suffering, and Hector and I are barely hanging onto consciousness let alone our sanity. This experience gets crazier every darn day.

I am so happy for the families that we meet who all give us inspiration, prayers and love. On the other hand, I am sick of seeing them watch that darn car seat video and get to leave with their baby. Why God, why won't you just let this be fixed and let us go home.Why hasn't God forgiven us yet. I do feel forgiven and blessed every single moment that I get to spend with our angels (Isabel and Demetri) but why must we all suffer like this? Oh I remember, and now I call it our life lesson, the only one we all will ever need.... Never ask the man, the man, the G..O...D, God, never ever ask him, "What else!" Because ladies and gentlemen, he WILL show you what else in ways you can never imagine!!! For the record, I asked God "what else" just days before our 20 week ultrasound. It was something to do with $$$ and bills. Stupid! Well, he told me... he is still telling me. Guess he wants to make sure that I REALLY get it. So, again, NEVER ask God, "what else."

In the meantime, we prepare again for another round of paralytics, surgery, fear, crying, joy, thankfulness, uncertainty, etc. Today as I wonder, why us, I thought I knew the life lesson and learned from it, but I guess the real life lesson [in addition to, maybe even trumping the one above] is that NOTHING is certain, nothing ever. I love. I love a lot. And that is all I can do to try to fullfill my spirit as I let God take care of the rest. Now let's do this and get the heck home...