Friday, August 5, 2011

Sophie's Choice: good film but could have done w/o the real life experience

9-25-10 It doesn't matter that every possible awaken moment is spent as Hopkins or whether the nurses and doctors tell me to leave b/c I need a break too, I can't get enough of the little guy and I can't help feeling disgusted by the fact that I am not the baby's primary care giver. I am like an extra special guest or visitor to him. It's degrading, as a self respecting mother, to leave your child at the end of everyday, or call and check on you child as someone else cares for him, especially when he is sick! When Isy is sick, I do not leave her side. Wouldn't think of it, but I am force to leave him. 
Speaking of Isy, the love of my life and best friend, I have had to leave her too. Can someone say, SOPHIE'S CHIOCE! I have an amazing sister in law, who has made my life a million times easier this summer by taking awesome care of my angel girl, but that doesn't change the fact that my angel girl is not with me. I hate this SO much it stinks!
I guess my reason for this nagging entry is that I am leaving the Children's House this week. No more will I be steps away from my son. I must return to Frederick. I have to get back to some normalcy. I must return to my daughter. But returning to my daughter means leaving my son and it hurts like hell. LOL, and what am I talking about "normalcy"!? I will get home to Isabel and start to prepare her for 1st grade, but not without making a trip to this hellish city [a city I truly adore, its just hot, humid and dangerous here right now] everyday, at least once a day and sometimes twice. My plan is to get Isabel and Jared on the bus and then head straight to Baltimore, visit the baby, then make it home for the bus by 4pm, and then some nights return after I get Isabel to bed at 8. This will get me back to the hospital around 9:30. And then I will head back to Frederick around 12am. But on school days (Mondays and Thursdays) I will take them to the bus, get to the hospital by 10ish, leave for class around 12, get done with classes at 10:45pm, catch a cab back to Hopkins and sit with baby until about 12am and then drive home...Guess I won't see Isy on those nights. But I promise her that I will climb right in her bed to snuggle when I do make it home on my school nights. Another thing not normal about all this is the frickin $$$. Gas! I shall say no more.... but I will....eating every meal downtown...and not hood downtown where one can get some slammin chow!!!, no we are talking university downtown...where apparently someone hasn't gotten the memo that us college kids...especially JHH students are BROKE!!!... and in addition to the food and gas, there is parking. I have to park my car and pay for 12 hours of parking everyday and then take a cab back and forth to school which also costs about $20 a day.  Regradless, its time for me to go home.I must prepare for the little man to come home! Not that anyone has breathed a word of such nonsense.... however, if the lord allows,Demetri will continue to heal and be home soon, snuggling with me and Isabel!

In the meantime we are still in this up and down, up and down world. Residents have moved on, meds have disappeared!, reappeared, and disappeared again. I am starting to get a little pushier with the docs because, though I respect them, I am the mom... Therefore, I AM THE BOSS! Ha! Who am I kidding! Demetri is the boss, and that is the Golden Rule these days!

Tomorrow will be a blessed awesome day, if you are willing Demetri! Isabel has picked a book to read to you as she courageously holds your precious little body still covered in cords. I can't wait! 

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